The World Outside of the Closet

2002-06-10T02:09:00.000-04:00

Yeah....So....
It's quarter to two on Monday morning....Was Queer as Folk night.I worked 'till nine. Ugh. I was so exhausted. But I got to drive the forklift for the first time in a week. It's amazing how many people will ignore a giant green machine with a blue flashing light and a warning beep when it's backing towards them. They just stand there. He has all the time in the world. He'll wait. I'm more important. Whatever...People are assholes sometimes.
But then sometimes people surprise me. This woman came up to me tonight while I was in the Aisle of Value (Hannaford's cheesy way of displaying product that is "on special") and asked me "Has anyone told you today that you're doing a good job?" Ummm...Say what?? I told her no...I was sweating. It was pouring down my face. Eewww..."Well, you're doing a great job" she said. Huh...That made me smile. It was cool.
And I put my application in last week to be the new 3-11 grocery supervisor. It's full time, benefits, more money. I don't know if I can do it. But it can't hurt to try right?? Deadline for all applications was yesterday (Saturday). I don't know when I'll find out. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I'm trying to be positive and confident. It would be SOOOO nice to get the job, and if I don't, I'm going to have to find a second job to cover all my bills and such. Which I really don't want to do. But, I guess we'll just have to wait and see....
Things are ok. Trying to be a bit more relaxed about things. Working so far I think. Jen and I only see each other on weekends. We work opposite schedules, so when I come home from work she's in bed, and she's gone when I wake up. So we bond on the weekends. It's nice. We don't fight. I'm so deeply eternally grateful for all that she's done for me and all that she's put up with from me. I'm not sure she'll ever fully realize that. I love her, and I don't know where I'd be right now if it weren't for her. Thanks Jen....

2002-05-19T04:48:00.000-04:00

1591 words Jen. Thirteen paragraphs. 231 sentences. And he changed his number.

2002-05-19T04:43:00.000-04:00

Whew...What a feckin' day....I thank BBC America for that word...Feck...Father Ted I think....
Anyways....I woke up cranky. Really cranky.I walked out to the living room wrapped in my blankets. After I saw snow out my bedroom window. Snow?? In May?? Whatever. I laid on the couch and closed my eyes again, and Jen and Nick came home. I got up, smoked a butt, made a pot of coffee, and got in the shower. Still cranky. Got dressed, thought about work and how the day was going to suck (I could feel it). Last night sucked, I woke up from a really weird (but not entirely unpleasant) dream, and I just felt off. I was drinking my coffee on the porch when Jen hollered out the window to me. She was holding the bag of weed she bought from Mikey last night. It wasn't worth the money she paid for it. She was PISSED. She called Mikey. When she got off the phone with him, the three of us tried to rationalize why Mikey would screw Jen over. Nick brought up the Scotty thing (previously referred to as the week I had Cancer...Scotty was a Cancer...Pretty clever eh???). He was trying to show some kind of comparison. I was SO angry with him. I'll explain later. We continued to argue for a while, then they brought me to work. It was busy. I have no idea why. Not a holiday right?? I worked like a feckin' dog. Had to stay a bit late. It wasn't planned. I usually have to wait. For Mikey. For twenty-five minutes sometimes. Nick came to get me. He had to wait. He bitched when I got in the car. Maybe I misunderstood, but I was pissed. Sometimes I don't know what to do. Today was just a day full of those times. It was weird. Got home, sulked for a while, got stoned, and tried to release some of it. The tension. The anger, frustration. I just feel SO tired. I'm trying, but it's so hard. I don't know where to start.
And now I'm here. It's three thirty-two in the morning. I'm thinking about all. Trying to gain something from it. Was there supposed to be a lesson here?? I don't know. Maybe I'm just supposed to relax. Not hang on somebody else's words. I need a cigarette.
So yeah...the Scotty thing. Happened a while ago. There was this party. A birthday party for a boy whom I don't even like. We call him the town pump. He's a slut. Mikey, Nick, and I went. We were stoned. We smoked there. There were lots of people there, some that I hadn't seen in a while. There was this boy...Scotty...Mysterious. I'd never seen him before. He was attractive. Yellow hair. Glasses. Tall. Carried a back pack. He's gay. I was SO attracted to him. We all were. Nick said he gave off a bad vibe or something. I didn't care. It's always nice to picture something that isn't there. Give 'em any personality you want. Then they talk, or you see them at their ugliest, and it's like a smoke ring. It's neat, until it starts to waver and break. Mikey had a ride home, so he stayed when Nick and I left. We talked about him most of the way home. I wished that I had talked more to him. We had a brief conversation about lighters. Mikey was puttin' on the "charm" as he does when there's a boy in the room. He had an orange lighter. I had one too...at home...not in my pocket, where I wanted it to be when I reached in. Nope. Not there. He asked us, "Have you ever seen a lighter this color??". Um, yeah...I had one. Anyways, Mikey called me the next day. We talked about him. He wanted him. He had his number. But it wasn't given to him. He had seen it on a piece of paper Scotty had given someone else. What? Who does that?? Shelly was involved somehow, she knew him too. So Mikey finnagled the situation so that he could hang out with Scotty at Shelly's house, but I had to drive him there. I was giving him rides to work while his car was dead. All the way to work. Not a fifteen minute walk away. But that's another issue...
So we hung out with him on Tuesday night...at Shelly's. And Wednesday night at Shelly's. Tuesday night was fun. I liked Scotty...a lot. So did Mikey. He was really doin' his thing. Milkin' it for all it was worth. I was busy kicking myself for being such a shy, spineless puss. And the same on Wednesday night. Except that things got different Wednesday. Scotty was looking at me more. And talking more for my benefit than Mikey's. Shelly and Mikey went for a walk to meet some sketchy guy at a bar and walk him back to the apartment. The three of us, (Scotty, Lisa, and I) stayed behind. We formulated a plan. We were a little guerilla movement. We were going to stay as close to each other as possible. Band together against sketchiness. We were stoned, and being silly. It was fun.
Mikey and Shelly came back alone, no sketchy guy. We hung out some more, and Scotty was sitting right next to me. I was trying to be unnoticeable. Trying not to elicit any kind of attention from him. Apparently it didn't work. Right in front of Mikey, who was so obviously trying to get his attention, he turned to me and asked what I was doing the next night. I told him I was working. He asked what I was doing after work. I told him nothing. Then the unthinkable happened. He gave me, Neil Rounds, angry, unattractive, immature Neil Rounds, his phone number. And he asked for mine. Made me promise to call. I was mortified. I didn't so much see Mikey change. I felt the change. I just felt it. Ten minutes later, he was tired, so we left. the first thing out of mouth was "Mikey, I'm sorry. I had NO idea that was going to happen. That was so NOT my doing. Are you mad??" He mumbled something about being too tired to care and I told him that it was his thing, that if he didn't want me to hook up with Scotty, I wouldn't. Which I meant. Truly. He told me that he was upset that he didn't get the chance. He also said that he wasn't going to dictate to me what I should do. He said I should do what I wanted to, what I felt. So I did. We hung out Thursday night. I went home Friday morning. Talked to Jen. She knew the situation. Mikey had called her at work. He called while we were talking. Thought I was in bed. Tried to involve Jen, recruit her. It became a huge issue. Nick found out. It got bigger. Shelly was telling Mikey, after she had been making eyes at me and telling me something was up and go for it, that Scotty was only interested in me to get to Nick. I should be careful, she told Mikey. Not me. Mikey. Two days later. Fuck you Shelly. I liked you.
So we hung out again Friday night, into Saturday. And into Sunday. It was cool. I liked the attention. Meanwhile, everyone else was discussing what a horrible person I was. How could I DO such a thing. Town Pump saw us out, took me aside, told me to be careful. I'm a big boy. I can take care of myself, thanks.
I was liking where I thought this was going. A lot.
Then Sunday, he brought me home. I had to work. Something was off. he had detatched. I said goodbye. We'll talk soon right?? He drove off.
That was the last I heard from Scotty. It was two days before I called him. Called him again on the third. Gave up by Thursday. Ladies and Gentleman, you don't know disappointment. I was sick. I said I wouldn't let it happen. I wouldn't get so attatched. So hopeful. But I did. And I fell so hard. It hurt. And on top of it was all the shit that everyone else was saying. Mikey told me that he didn't think I was competition. Didn't think he'd have to worry about Scotty being more "attracted" to me. Yeah. Thanks. Kick me again. Whatever.
Nick still stands by his judgment that I was wrong for hooking up with Scotty. Like I stole him from Mikey, was stabbing him in the back or something. Pissing on our friendship. I wasn't wrong. And Nickolaus, if you ever read this, I WAS NOT WRONG. I will not apologize. Mikey would have done the same thing if the situation had been reversed. I know it. I got fucked over in the end.
So yeah. That's the week that I had Cancer. That's why I'm still up at four thirty-three, listening to Paul Van Dyk, wishing I could just climb in to the music, be taken away by it. I'm gonna be able to live with Mikey after all this?? Drama. Always. The Mikey Show. I'm gonna end up walking out on this lucrative contract. No more shows for this fella. I need my car.
Yeah...I'm tired. Sleep now...

2002-05-12T14:00:00.000-04:00

Happy Mother's Day everyone...
It's Sunday, and it's rainy, and I love it. I just got up, it's quarter to two. How do you say LAZY!! Last night was a rough night. I drank a lot, smoked more than I usually do, and went to bed at quarter to five. We had a big old "slumber" party lasat night. Nick was over, and Jen couldn't drive him home, and then Mikey came after he got out of work and was too drunk to drive home. The house is a mess...Oh well. I'm gonna get in the shower, throw some laundry together and head to mom's. Yahoo, it's Sunday....

2002-05-11T04:32:00.000-04:00

"Oh life...is waiting for you...It's all messed up but we'll survive."

-Our Lady Peace

2002-05-11T04:30:00.000-04:00

There, Jen....I blogged. My longest one yet. Thank you.

2002-05-11T04:28:00.000-04:00

Yeah... What a night...What a week.
It's been a weird couple of months ladies and gents. A lot of things have happened. I hardly know where to begin.
I've been workin' my ass of for the past month or two. All I do is work and sleep and eat. I'm working three to eleven at Hannaford's, and it's really weird. I like my job, kind of. I like the fact that I don't ever really have to deal with the boss. I deal with the night manager, Cindy. She likes me, 'cuz I work hard. I hate her sometimes. But I've dealt with worse. The people I work with are fun, sometimes. They all seem to speculate about whether or not I'm gay. But they don't ask me seriously. They hint. They know, like my parents. Hmmm...Anyways, it's shit money. But no stress. I guess you can't have it all.
I've been sleeping late, getting up at one, making a pot of coffee and smoking out on the porch before I start to get ready for work. I don't have a car, haven't had one since Christmas. It's getting kind of frustrating. My dad has a car for me, but it's taking him forever to get it ready for me. Plus, I haven't really had the money I need to register it and insure it and such. I'm trying.
Jen got a new car. A Ford Focus. Pretty. Smoky gray. With a six CD changer. It's a standard with cruise control, which I didn't think they actually made. It turns the volume up or down according to road noise and engine noise. She named it Natascha. I'm so happy for her. If Jen were a guy, the car would be her penis extension. She'll kill me when she reads that.
Things are ok. My brother's girlfriend had a baby, my nephew. James Patrick. Born on April tenth, I think. The next generation. It's weird. My little brother is a father. When I first saw him, saw the way my brother looked at him and held him and talked to him...wow...He's a cute little shit, too. So expressive and tiny and fragile and open to all the influences of the world around him. God, I hope he's ok.
My sister is living in Japan, with her husband. He's in the Air Force, and stationed in Japan. They're living on base. She loves it. I'm jealous. She sent me some stuff from the Hundred Yen store, Japan's equivalent to the dollar store over here. Neat stuff...I'm proud of her. She was a wreck when she left. My mom and I took her to the airport. She was fine until we got to the gate. We couldn't go through and wait with her. We stood on the other side of the ropes, you know, the velvet barbed wire. We said our goodbyes, and she sobbed, and my mom sobbed, and I hugged her. I don't think I've ever hugged her. We watched her go through the metal detectors, and watched as she set her bags down by a chair, looking back at us through the glass. We left her there with an hour wait ahead of her before boarding time. My brave sister. As my mom and I left the airport, it was like we were forgetting something. We had left something behind. My mom sobbed. I got all choked up then. I knew that it was going to be a very long time (three years, we thought) until I would see her again. It was weird.
But, we've talked on the phone a couple of times. A thirty-four minute phone call from Marlborough, New Hampshire costs 116 dollars. Yahoo...She loves it over there...I keep her updated on the fam over here...Told her about the baby...She can't wait. And she's coming home. Soon. John's going to Saudi Arabia, and apparently she can't go. So she's coming home. It'll be good to see her again.
So yeah...things have been weird. But good. And we're moving. Two minutes down the street. Moving out of my home of two years. That's the longest time I've stayed in one place since high school, 1998. Hmmm....I'll miss the apartment. But I can't wait to move in to the new one. It's going to be fun. Jen, Mikey, and I. Hehehehe....The (dysfunctional) family expands one fag and two cats. Yeah...
I haven't even really begun to scratch the surface, but I'm tired, and I can't type anymore... I've got more, believe me. The week I had Cancer, and all kinds of other stuff...But, that's a whole 'nother Oprah.

2002-05-10T02:02:00.000-04:00

" 'Cuz with all the changes you've been through, it seems the strangers always you."

-Hedwig and the Angry Inch

2002-02-16T02:21:00.000-05:00

Ok...so there's been a slight change in plans for tomorrow. Mikey will now be joining us for our little road trip. So, instead of the Three Musketeers it'll be The Fabulous Four. That's cool...We'll have fun. Find something to do in Burlington (preferrably something free...I am broke after all). Try to keep each other in line. Pick up my FREE CD...God I love that word...
Jen and I ordered out tonight. She had a spinach and feta calzone and I had a BLT grinder. Yummy. We smoked some pot...watched the Princess Bride (half of which I can recite from memory), Dracula 2000 (Johnny Lee Miller...WOOHOO!!!), before she went to bed. I just got done watching Cecil B Demented for the second time. What a fucked up movie...After all, it IS a John Waters movie. Gotta love cult classics. I have MTV2 on for background noise now. They're playing dance music. Cool...Have you guys heard that new song by Kylie Minogue?? It's great. Really catchy. She's been around for so long. They love her in England. She always gets mentioned on British television. Every show on BBC America has mentioned her at least once, I swear. She's their little angel...
So I have a guest book now...I got kind of curious. I wanted to know if people were actually reading my page. Not there is much of anything interesting, but I guess you never know. I'll shit if someone signs it...
I think that I'm gonna get Mikey to bring his digital camera tomorrow. Take a few cute pictures, see if I can get 'em posted on my page. Spruce it up a bit. We'll see...

2002-02-15T02:06:00.000-05:00

Happy Belated Valentine's Day boys and girls...Or, if you're single, as I am (SURPRISE!!) I've renamed the holiday for lovers so that we don't feel left out...It's Happy Thank God I'm Single and Don't Have to Spend a Shitload of Money on Flowers or Candy Day....something like that...I'm not bitter. I just think that if you're in love with someone, why do you need a special day to bring home flowers or candy or jewelry??? Why do you need a special day to go out for a romantic dinner??? Shouldn't things like that be spontaneous??? Of course, my opinion may slightly differ on future V-Days...who knows...
Just got done watching Armistead Maupin's Further Tales of the City on Showtime. What a great movie...If you haven't seen the original mini-series Tales of the City, you really should. It's fun stuff...scandal and sex and mystery and intrigue (and of course some cute gay boys). All the good stuff you really look for in a movie. It was good, and there were a few full frontal shots in it...How scandalous!!
Went to mom's today. Went to Wally World (Wal-Mart) with her. Always an experience let me tell you. Waited while she picked out the perfect Valentine's Day card for my dad, stared at the hottie that was standing next to her, doin' the same for his sweetie. It's always fun watchin' straight boys trying to buy flowers, or pick out cards. They always act like they're being watched, as if the macho police are gonna jump out from behind a display or somethin' and slap the cuffs on 'em, arrest 'em for not being manly or something. I don't know...
Anyways, we had fun. I love my mom. She's awesome. I like being able to talk to her about stuff. She never judges, and she never tells me what I should do or shouldn't do...Just listens...I'm such a momma's boy.
Jen and Nick and I are taking a road trip on Saturday. Going up to Vermont to pick up a CD that I won from a radio station near Rutland. I can't wait. It'll be fun. Something different. I haven't been on a real road trip for a while, so this'll be a nice change. And I can't wait to pick up my CD. I won a copy of the new Deepsky CD...Forgot the name of it. Won it on Saturday night. It was about eleven thirty, and we had just finished dinner (we being Mikey Jen and I). We were stoned, and listening to Heavy Mental, an electronica show on my favorite radio station, WEQX. They wanted caller seven, I was one, three, five, six , and seven. Ummm...Don't really know what to say about that. I wanted the CD?? Yeah...that's it. Anyways, I won, and I'm psyched and I can't wait for Saturday.
Yeah...So...Happy Friday everyone. I'm goin' to bed.

2002-02-13T23:15:00.000-05:00

Hmmm...Not really much excitement today. Did laundry...WOOHOO!!!!! What fun!! For the past few weeks I've been bringing it to my mom's house...Kill two birds with one stone, right?? Well, I had all my bedding, the nasty quilt that we have covering the nasty old second hand couch, (the thing could practically stand up on it's own...EEEWWW) and all my clothes. So, I decided to do it at the laundromat...Wait...Problem...That costs money....OH YEAH!!! THAT'S why I've been doing laundry at mom's...It's FREE there. Well, I remedied this by taking all the spare pennies, nickels and dimes that we throw into an old fish bowl to the bank. I know the tellers love that, but hey, they have those nifty counting machines, so I don't feel guilty. So, half an hour later, with practically every article of clothing I own in the washers, I sat reading the book that I brought...(Stephen King's The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon....An awesome book if you haven't read it....My second time reading it...) There was a little boy running around, makin lots of noise, and pretty soon he found the toys and the kids books, which happened to be in the same corner where I was sitting. YIPPEE!!! He proceeded to "read" ( he was like three years old) the books to me. He noticed that I had a book in my hand and decided that it needed to be with the other books. I laughed, told him it was my book, that I had brought it with me, but you try to reason with a three year old... He grabbed it, put it with the others and wagged his finger at me, scolding me...Ummm...Ok....It was cute, but I can definitely say that I don't think I want children...
Today was the second day without any depressive moments.....No bad moods for me....Whoa....Weird....That never happens anymore....Maybe Nick was right...The moon was in Jupiter or Mercury or something like that....Said once that changed, things would get better...Keep your fingers crossed...

2002-02-13T01:49:00.000-05:00

Jen's family lost their dog Krissy today. They've had her since puppyhood, since she was little. She been sick with tumors for a long while. They had to put her down today. Poor family...Poor Jen...RIP Krissy...
Had orientation today for my new job...Say hello to the newest associate at your Keene Hannaford Brothers Supermarket. Woohoo...I'll be working in grocery. Stocking shelves...assisting lost patrons..."Excuse me, could you tell me where I can find feminine napkins???" AKA "Where the hell you guys keep the pads??" What fun...I am looking forward to it though. Something new. New people. No more Lifetime movies at two in the afternoon with Penny and the kitties. I'll still be watching The Other Half and Jerry Springer in the mornings though...(Shut up, I am NOT a loser...) Drinking coffee and smokin butts and ironing my workshirts. Heaven??? Maybe...
Mikey and I went to TJ Maxx today....The boys(girls) on a shopping trip...Well, Mikey on a shopping trip. I walked around with my tongue lolling all day. Pretty sweater here, gorgeous dress shirt there, beautiful boys on the sidewalk. We would be carrying on a conversation and both see the same boy on the street and stop mid-sentence, crane our necks as we passed. "HELLO!!!" or "Daaaaaamn!!!" Or even"YUMMMMM!!!" Yeah, we're like that....
Tonight was supposed to be a Queer as Folk repeat night, but Mikey went out for a drink with his friend. Nick was over, and the three of us got super stoned...When eleven came, we decided to forego the episode and just shoot the shit for a bit. It was fun...I love Nick...As a friend. I'm lucky to have dated someone as beautful (inside and outside) as him. I'm glad he comes over. I hope he realizes that all the shit that I give him is just that...Shit. I value his friendship and his opinions very much...Maybe one day I'll tell him so.
Yeah...things are looking okay. Almost perfect, but not quite...Shel Silverstein....Good stuff...

2002-02-12T03:33:00.000-05:00

"I'm afraid of a lot of things...I'm a mess..." -Chuck and Buck

2002-02-12T03:32:00.000-05:00

PS...Jen has been playin with my page...I like it, I think....

2002-02-12T03:30:00.000-05:00

So...It's February....the 12th to be exact...Four months since I've posted....A lot has changed... A lot hasn't. I'm still angry. Still depressed. Unemployed for a month, as of New Years Eve. Just got a new job. Haven't started yet. I'm utterly broke. I'm two weeks late on my rent. Ooops. Sorry Beth, I'll get it to you soon. I'm low, but still digging...I'm not buried yet. I was close. Giving up takes too much energy. Being pissed off and bitter and severely unpleasant to be around does too. It's time to find myself a new hobby.
And it's time I figured out that Jen doesn't hate me. I think I always knew she didn't. I just don't think I wanted to believe it. But I believe it now. She wouldn't still be here if she hated me. She would have left a long time ago. See, I haven't been the best roommate in the world. Actually, I've been kind of a prick. This month has been hard. Hard for me...Hard for her. If they have Roommate of the Year awards, like Teacher of the Year awards or Mother of the Year, she deserves one. I mean, I've been a real shit. If you read this Jen, I'm sorry. I don't want to leave.
I've figured out that I subconsciously try to push people away. What's that stupid saying you always hear?? You always hurt the ones that you love or that love you the most?? Something like that. When I realize that someone has seen the deepest darkest side of me, the side of me that sleeps till three and throws temper tantrums and likes porn, the side that hates himself and can't ever admit when he's wrong, I figure that's the end of it. No one wants to be friends with someone like that. No one wants to be associated with someone like that. Then I start pushing. I push and push, and if that doesn't work, then I run. I run away, I hide my face and hope that everything will turn out alright. I'm not perfect, but neither is anyone else.
Anyways, it's time to get my shit together. I owe Jen a lot, and it's time to start payin up. Hope it's not too late.

2001-10-04T21:48:00.000-04:00

OK....So it's been a while. I haven't used the computer in four days. No sitting in front of the screen until four in the morning....no checking my e-mail, no nothing. I've worked a total off forty-one hours already, and it's only Thursday. Thirty-six of those hours were in three days. Can you say tired boy? I go in at eleven, get out at eleven. I come home, eat dinner, take a shower and go to bed. WOOHOO!!!
I had a PRIDE meeting tonight. Thursday nights, every week. Found out that I'm no longer allowed to be secretary of the group, because I'm not a student. Fuck you very much, have a nice day. What the fuck. Just because I'm not a student, I can't take a leadership role in the group. Membership is open to everyone, whether you're a student or not. No one else that goes is comfortable enough to hold a position on the executive board. I have the time, and the energy to do it. Yet I can't. Again, FUCK YOU very much. Whatever...I should have expected this.
So I rushed home after the meeting, hoping that if it was early enough, Jen would go out for a drink with me. ONE drink. ONE beer. It was eight thirty. we could be home by eleven...She could be in bed by eleven thirty. Normal bedtime. But no. TV was more important. A movie that we've seen eight billion times is more important than spending two hours with your roommate Jen. Whatever. She drank with her brother and his sixteen year old friends, but she won't have ONE drink with me. On my birthday, all I asked of her was to go to the mall with me. I had a little bit of money and I wanted to go shopping. Did we go?? NO! She sat in front of the computer and wrote all day. Am I that bad a person?? I'm really starting to take this shit personally. Whatever......
I fucking give up. I'm so sick of trying. I want to live by myself. No animals, no roommates, just me and my anger, my depression. Then I don't have to try to make anyone happy. I don't have to try and make anyone understand. All I want is a little bit of fucking interaction. Treat me like a fucking human being. Like I'm, worth giving the time of day to. AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2001-09-28T00:23:00.000-04:00

"And no one seemed to have the time to cherish what was given" -Sarah McLachlan, Mary

2001-09-28T00:14:00.000-04:00

Yeah...So...Where do I start? I'm in a peach of a mood tonight. No blessing going on tonight for this boy. Cussing and bitching, but no blessing.
I had a thought today. My birthday was two weeks ago Sunday. The only card I got was from my sister, the only gifts from myself. Now I know that birthdays aren't really about cards and gifts, but it would have been nice for SOMEONE to act is if it weren't just another day. Then, I thought about my old psycho roommate Meg. Her birthday is the twenty-third of September. I was thinking that she probably celebrated with friends, went out and had a drink or two, celebrated with her family. If a person like her can make people stop and acknowledge the fact that it's her birthday, what the hell did I or am I doing wrong?? Maybe I'm being stupid, feeling sorry for myself, whatever... I don't really care. It's fun... If I wasn't miserable, what the hell would be left??
Anyways, had a PRIDE meeting today. It was fun. We played elephant ball (don't ask...ok, basically baseball backwards...you run the bases backwards...). More exercise than I've gotten in a while. I was all hot and sweaty by the end of the game. I gotta stop smokin. Every time I ran the bases I thought that my chest would explode. Like I said, what fun.
I got up this morning, and took a shower, and as I was getting dressed, the phone rang. I stumbled into the living room with one leg in my pants, grabbed the phone with one hand and turned the stereo down with the other. When I answered, the voice on the..You know what....I'm not in the mood to tell this story....FUCK IT!!!!!!!

2001-09-27T01:08:00.000-04:00

Wow...Faithless is on MTV2. I've got two Faithless CDs and I have yet to hear them on the radio or see a video by them. Weird. God Bless MTV2.
And, for that matter, Bless Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. Quick, easy, painless, and TASTY!! Bless the new issue of OUT magazine, and the issue before, and the issue before, and...Ok, I'll stop. Bless gorgeous boys, and bless the not-so-gorgeous boys. Bless fall, and leaves, and crisp afternoons with blinding sunlight. Bless the lazy wisps of cigarette smoke illuminated by the computer screen. Bless tinfoil, because I can wrap my TATSTY Kraft Macaroni and Cheese so I can savor it again when I feel hungry. Didn't someone say everything is better the second time around? I could sit here blessing things all night, but the urge is gone, so....
Yeah, so I got to work today wearing my freshly washed, never-been-worn, chefs coat (a gift from the owners of the restaurant), and Debbie (the owner) comes walking towards me with a great big smile on her face. I wished her Happy Birthday (I'm so thoughtful aren't I?) and she says " Guess what!! The skullcaps came in today!!". WOOHOO!!!! How excited was I?? Thrilled to my marrow, let me tell you. She's been talking about the damned things for a week, and for a week I've been dreading their arrival. Well, no need to dread any longer. She handed me mine, and I almost cried. They are the TACKIEST black and white check pattern. FUN!!! Oh well. Work is not a fashion show I guess. My mom always used to say that about school. I guess it carries over. What a wise woman.
Visited my mom today. Did some laundry, played with the puppies ( they are SOOO cute!!!), talked about stuff. When I got there she wasn't home, so I sat around for a while, then realized I had the new issue of OUT (yes, the one I blessed previously) in the car. So I went and grabbed it and figured I'd flip through it until she got home. Do you know how weird I felt?? I felt like I was reading something that wasn't meant for my eyes, something my parents were hiding from me. When, in actuality, I was the one hiding something from her. The minute she pulled into the driveway that magazine was in my backpack, safely hidden to protect the innocent. Hmmm...Probably should tell her, huh. Someday.
Jen's going away this weekend. Staying at her parents' house, with her brother. They are going away, so she has to stay and "keep an eye on" him. She's taking Penny, so I'll have the house all to myself. Whatever shall I do?? Party at my house this weekend? Yeah right. Party of one maybe.
Anyways, Creed is on TV, so I gotta go change the channel. More tomorrow.

2001-09-26T02:14:00.000-04:00

Aahhhh...Sarah McLachlan, spaghetti and cranberry juice at quarter to two in the morning. Just got home about half an hour ago, worked tonight. After work, I gave Brian, the head chef, a ride home. He invited me in for a beer, so I figured I'd humor him. Well, let me tell you, that boy can talk!! He's always telling stories about workin at this restaurant, or workin at that restaurant, or partying with this friend or that friend...He lives by himself, so he loves company. I don't mind hangin out for a while after work, havin a few beers and listenin to him ramble. He told me tonight that I impressed him, and that he wants to teach me more about cooking. He wants to get me doing lunch shifts by myself. WOW! Did I expect this?? No. Not at all...I mean, I'm a fry boy for Pete's Sake... I've been in the foodservice business for about six years, and have done pretty much everything but run a kitchen myself, but I'm still inexperienced. I need to learn what a medium rare steak should look like, or how long to leave a porterhouse on the grill before it's well done on the inside. And apparently Brian thinks that I have it in me to learn these things, to run the kitchen by myself. Umm...Ok.
So, Jen called yesterday from work, left a message on the answering machine. The company she works for laid off a bunch of people yesterday, including half of her department. She's a reservationist for a company called General Tours. She answers phones all day, booking tours. Her department went from twelve reservationists to five, her included. She was one of the lucky ones. Her trip to Russia in November was cancelled, and our plan to go to London this spring is now on hold. What a difference a day makes eh? Hell, what a differnce fourteen days makes. Been fifteen days since the morning that everything changed. Didn't think it would have such an impact so close to home, but it has. Wow. Who woulda thought??
Anyways boys and girls, my spaghetti is gone, and I need a butt ( a cigarette...Thought I should clarify that). Gonna zone out to Sarah for a little while longer and weed through my junk emails, then it's off to bed for this little boy. Maybe more tomorrow.
PS...Jen cleaned Rupert's tank tonight. The fish that she hates, the one she threatens all the time. She's always telling me she's gonna put bleach in his water. And she cleaned his tank tonight. Huh...

2001-09-23T16:04:00.000-04:00

Ugh! What a shitty day!!! I HATE SUNDAYS!!!!!!! I hate slicing peppers and onions and chopping parsley and cooking (burning) bacon and all the other SHIT that goes along with preparing brunch. We were so busy today, and I was doing so many things all at once. It sucked...I burned a whole pan of bacon and proceeded to argue with Tom ( the boss) about it. Of course, this put me in a horrible mood, which just made the day DRAG! I think that it's time to find a real job. A job where I can wear real clothes instead of jeans and a beat up t-shirt. Maybe a job where I might actually be able to excel, where I might be able to move up... Right now I'm the low man on the totem pole, the grunt. It kinda sorta sucks, and I don't really think I want to do it for too much longer.
Anyways, on to other things. I've completely fallen in love with the CD's that I bought myself for my birthday. I'm listening to Coldplay right now, blasting it in my headphones. It's wonderful. I don't know what it is. Maybe the lead singer's voice, maybe the lazy, jaunty feel of the music, guitars and piano. I LOVE IT!!! I bought the second Travis album as well, and have fallen in love with that one too. I've decided that I want to move to Europe, turn myself British. Really getting into the Brit Pop music that's been coming out lately, and I love a boy with a British accent, so I'm moving. It'll be fun, don't you think??
So...Yeah...That's about it for now. Gotta go do laundry. I have no clean clothes, and Jen keeps reiterating the fact that she has no clean underwear (EEEEWWWW!!!) so off we go on a beautiful September day to sit and listen to the hum of the washers and stare vacantly at our clothes as they spin in the dryers. WHOOPIE!!!!

2001-09-23T04:15:00.000-04:00

It's early morning. I've only been out of work for four hours, and I have to go back in three hours. The restaurant I work at does a Sunday morning brunch buffet, and I get stuck working every damn week...I hate it...First, I work EVERY Saturday night. I get out around midnight. I go home, and dread having to go back to the restaurant in six hours. No sense in trying to sleep...Who knows if I'll wake up to the alarm clock. So I stay up all night. I watch TV. I sit in front of this infernal machine and pretend I'm writing something that someone somewhere (if you're reading this, I'm talking about you) will have even one iota of interest in.
Now, the thing that really makes me angry about this whole Saturday night Sunday morning work combo is the fact that my weekend is pretty much shot. Like Hell, you say. But it is. I can't go out Saturday nights, because I have to get up so early on Sundays. And after work on Sunday (I know, plenty of daylight left at three in the afternoon...) I get home and usually end up falling asleep on the couch. WOOHOOO!!!!
SO, yet another Staurday night is wasted...It's a vicious, endless cycle. Will it ever end??